Sta.sh
Forsaken Me
By: Adam M. Snow
Night by night, I lie awake wishing for soothing rain,
With loss of hope and faith I ask to ease this lonely pain.
With feeling lost and full of doubt, struggling through this frozen time,
And this stench of lies between the worldly grime,
Now follows behind me forevermore.
I hear the ghost of mine alone calling throughout the night,
With darkness within his voice, tormented with delight.
"Forsaken me" must he said.
And I, afraid of what now to come.
"Forsaken me" the voice grows strong.
And I, longing for what now to come.
But thus this be but a dream or thus this be but a life without a dream?
A life without faith and hope and all, does it seem?
Could this be but a mirror of my life?
Forsaken me, is all I hear,
Yet it shows me, itself is fear,
And I ponder to why it is here.
Could it be that death is near?
"Forsaken me" must he said.
And I, afraid of what now to come.
"Forsaken me" the voice grows strong.
And I, longing for what now to come.
Again, must I go through this,
The feeling of emptiness,
And the knowledge that all could end,
And this heart to not be mend?
Again, must I go through this,
To throw myself back into abyss?
"Forsaken me" must he said.
And I, afraid of what now to come.
"Forsaken me" the voice grows strong.
And I, longing for what now to come.
Maybe it's time to face my ghost,
And all the things that I boast,
And forsaken me nonetheless,
And free myself from all the stress.
Now I lie myself to sleep,
Forsaken myself with terrible heap.
"Forsaken me" the voice goes on,
Even 'gainst the blackest of dawn.
"Forsaken me" forevermore,
With every burden I must bore.
I see the ghost in tainted light,
Following the waking of the night.
Condemn me, condemn me,
It knows not what this curse may be.
Forsaken me, forsaken me,
Let my broken life see.
"Forsaken me" must he said.
And I, afraid of what now to come.
"Forsaken me" the voice grows strong.
And I, longing for what now to come.
My life's in shackles,
My misery, my hackles,
My longing for redemption.
I see a door, cracked and torn,
As I bow my head to mourn,
For my endless shadow of my endless fate,
Swallowed by everything that I hate.
"Forsaken me" the voice goes on,
Even 'gainst the blackest of dawn.
"Forsaken me" forevermore,
With every burden I must bore.
Must this ghost be me but an echo of what yet to come?
The presence I feel, the nameless numb.
Must this be my suffering end?
Must I now make amend,
With but a single heartache,
On the night of my Irish wake?
"Forsaken me" the voice goes on,
Even 'gainst the blackest of dawn.
"Forsaken me" forevermore,
With every burden I must bore.
Could it be that the ghost I spoke of,
Could it be that it's really me?
Gone from this world, lonely as can be.
Forsaken, as the years go by,
And to find all things must die.
Being left in solitude,
Cold and alone and yes, even nude.
Myself I now forsaken,
Curse to sleep and never awaken.
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I will start by saying that I love the four line choruses. I agree with everyone else however that "must he said" makes absolutely no sense and is not necessary to "keep the readers thinking." Words have to have more purpose than that in poetry. You should keep them on their toes with your imagery, not with grammatical incorrectness.
To me, this poem's structure is a little backwards. The verses are all rhyming with absolutely no meter, while the choruses that are somewhat metered don't. I could appreciate this if it played into the theme of the poem, like it was a poem about the act of writing poetry or about going against the norm, but it isn't. That said, your first two verses are your strongest, because the lines are longer and less cliche than when you get into later verses with staccato lines like: "Maybe it's time to face my ghost/And all the things that I boast." Lines like that sound like forced and cliche rhyme that add nothing to the piece.
My suggestion would be to drop the rhyme scheme from the verses, and make the lines a little more flowing. The first verse is a good example to go by. The contrast of the long lines in the first verse to the short lines in the chorus is a powerful combo. The only thing that brings down your first verse, actually, is the rhyming because "rain" and "pain" are very cliche rhymes. Dropping the rhyme would give you more freedom to explore realistically the thought patterns of a person examining their life as it is coming to a potential end.
I don't really see anything else to critique. I think you've been limited by the need to rhyme in the verses, but that your technique overall is good. I would simply like to see more open and raw thoughts from the protagonists mind. Nobody thinks in rhyme, after all...
I hope this helps for now and if you have any questions, let me know!
1) your avatar is awesome
2) your experiment is a sucess
3) you need to write more poetry
Were you experimenting with poetry in general, a different rhyme scheme, or a different writing style?
A lil of both